Begin again

So last week I started over. I exercised at least 4 days, tracked what I ate and played outside a lot with Easton. Soooooo...as of this morning I am 3 lbs down. Sweet! My problem is purely lack of motivation. I just need to do it. Just eat what I'm supposed to and move. Now..if I can just keep this up for the next 20 lbs or so, I'll be good. :-)

1st week: FAIL

I'm not sure why I can't be good enough this time.

I'm not sure why I can't just go to bed at night, instead of staying up and eating my son's leftover macaroni and cheese. I wasn't even hungry.

I'm not sure why I can't use the fact that I HATE my body as motivation enough to NOT SHOVE more food in my mouth.

I'm not sure why I keep longing for the person I was before I had Easton.

I miss her.

Okay..so you miss 'her'? Yes. Then why can't you be disciplined enough with this diet to do what it takes to get 'her' back?

I'm not sure.

Another type of journey

Not much has changed in my life lately. That's ok..except that it's not. I've ignored my weight for to long. See, I started to try and lose the weight a while back. I lost about 17 lbs. Guess what? I've gained almost ALL of it back. That, folks, makes me want to puke..or cry..or hit something. Why? Why do I do this to myself? Is that bowl of ice cream that I ate worth it, worth all the mental torture I put myself through after I ate it? No. I am so tired of hating myself. I know that sounds harsh, but that's exactly how I feel. I don't want to got through another summer not wanting to take my son outside because I don't want my fat rolls to sweat. Attractive. I want to be able to go to my mom and dad's and play in their pool with Easton without hating myself the entire time and wearing a total full body granny swimsuit. I'm tired of not wanting my husband to touch me. So what caused this "a ha" moment? Well, I finally stood in the bathroom yesterday and looked at myself..naked. Oh my. It was sad. I was sad. My poor fat belly is sad. Then I stepped on the scale. I haven't done that in a few months. 163.8 lbs. I'm 5'3 or so. That weight, at my height is considered obese. So Easton and I went to Target and got momma new super duper sturdy sports bra. When little man went down for his nap, I got on the treadmill. I ran 1 min/ walked 90 sec for 30 minutes. I pulled a muscle in my groin, got nauseous, was very grossed out by everything jiggling..but I did it. No excuses. Not anymore. I know what needs to be done and I know how to do it. So here goes nothing...

What's up with me?

I still come to my blog to read the lovelie's I have hanging out over in my blog roll. Every time I do..I see my last post and it bothers me. It just makes me feel..I don't know..so, boring. I mean, I'm still boring, nothing new has happened to me. I'm still hanging with my precious boy everyday, although I have started exercising regularly! I lost 5 lbs, went on my first vacation in 3 years..aaannnd gained 6 lbs in a week and a half. Wow. Anyway, I don't know if I'll start posting regularly again, maybe..maybe not. If the mood strikes me again I guess I will. I'm doing pretty good fighting the PPD monster. I had a really rough patch a couple months ago and had to up my Pristiq, but it passed. It always does now. I still have a hard time looking at pictures from that time, and I still have these weird flashbacks if I see a certain thing or smell a certain smell. (that is so strange to me) But other than that, I'm good. I still have the feeling that I want to help other women going through PPD/PPA. Maybe I'll figure out how to someday. So, I guess that's it. Just wanted to say Hi..and let the 3 people who may see this know I'm doing okay.

I'm out..

I'm pretty much done with this blogging thing. I am not a writer, I am just a mom. My life is not interesting enough to even act like I have anything to put on here. I find myself just getting on here to check the blogs I like to keep up with. It makes me feel bad to have a blog that some mom might find and come to wanting some encouraging words about having PPD/PPA, and there are none here to be found. If you come here and are looking for that (which is how I was in those early horrible dark days), go over to my blogroll and check some of those lovely ladies out who do have something to say.

All Work and No Play Makes Mommy Go Something Something is Kim's blog. She super duper awesome and is a strong warrior mommy who is really good at this blogging thing.

Ivy's PPD Blog is the first one I came across when I was searching for some answers and support. Ivy is so sweet and has a ton of good information on her blog about all things PPD.

A few other's that I love to check on are Not Super..Just Mom, Farewell Stranger and Musings, Musings, Musings. So there you go. I wish I could have kept on doing this and been halfway interesting. Thanks to those of you who have commented here, that was my favorite part, reading those comments. Good luck to all of you out there still struggling. Don't feel bad for taking medication. Don't isolate yourself and not let anyone know you're hurting. Call your Dr. Tell your family. Get help. You are a good mom even if you don't bond with your baby right away. That comes with time. No, your husband and baby would not be better off with out you. They need you. Don't feel like you have to do it all, accept help from others. It does get better...I promise.

I'll be back..

Okay, I know I need to post something about what's going on in my life, but I'm in a bit of a slump. I will try come up with something to post about, even if it's just the adorable things my son is doing lately. It's hard for me to put thoughts into words, and not have it sound stupid. Or I think of a really funny line to type, then I type it, and it doesn't seem funny written out. That's one of the few reasons I've thought a lot about not even doing this blog anymore. I really would like to keep it up, so we will see. Maybe I'll have some big epiphany and become an awesome mommy blogger that makes you sooo jealous of my awesome/crafty/happy life! (haha..see, that's funny to me 'cause I get jealous of some all too perfect mommy bloggers, which is ridiculous) Anyhoo..I hope to be able to fill up this space soon!

My big boy..

So my baby is turning one on Thursday. I am kinda sad about it so I will just post these adorable 12 month pictures of him to make you all smile. :-)