Sleep deprivation+stubborn baby = Unhappy momma

There has been some new developments with Easton since I last posted, but they probably wouldn't make any sense if I typed them out. The reason being is that my brain is in a fog. Easton was up basically from 1-7am with a few sporadic moments of "naps" sprinkled in there. He FINALLY went to sleep around 7, only to wake up 30 minutes later. He has yet to go back to sleep. He has started fighting his sleep something terrible. Seriously, TERRIBLE. I can't even put into words how frustrated this makes me. The minute we lay him in his crib, he flips over on his back and throws a fit. We try leaving him in there. Nothing. I think he would lay in there all day. Trust me..I've been tempted to set a timer for an hour and just let him be. I don't really know what to do to help him sleep better. He didn't used to do that. He's never slept good at night, but he did used to take pretty decent naps. Not anymore. I just need some help. Or advice. Or a sleep specialist to come to my house and fix him. I would pay for that. I already offered my sister, Jenny, money to come fix him. She just laughed at me. Are there people that really do that??? I would love to find one. I am just wanting to be able to answer the question, "isn't being a mother the best?? Aren't babies wonderful?? It's SO much fun, isn't it?" , with yes, yes and yes. But right now I can't. And that makes me feel even worse.

Because you asked me to...

Up to the Mountain -Patty Griffin

I went up to the mountain
Because you asked me to
Up over the clouds
To where the sky was blue
I could see all around me
Everywhere

Sometimes I feel like
I've never been nothing but tired
I'll be walking
Till the day I expire
Sometimes I lay down
No more I can do
But then I go on again
Because you asked me to

Some days I look down
Afraid I will fall
And though the sun shines
I see nothing at all
And then I hear your sweet voice, oh
Oh, come and then go, come and then go
Telling me softly
You love me so

The peaceful valley
Just over the mountain
The peaceful valley
Few come to know
I may never get there
Ever in this lifetime
But sooner or later
It's there I will go
It's there I will go

I heard this song performed on American Idol tonight and it made me cry! It touched me. Just thought I would share.

Ugh.

I have been frustrated lately. We have yet to find a reason why Easton won't eat more than 2-3 oz at a time. He's still wanting a bottle every two hours, night and day. I am exhausted. Mentally, physically and emotionally. I don't want to hear about another person's baby is sleeping through the night. I don't want to hear how your baby is taking 6 oz bottles at 4 months. I just want MINE to do it. When is this going to end?? Easton has also started to be a turd. By that I mean he's fighting his sleep. It can take up to an hour for him to lay down. Yesterday he only took one, one hour nap. On top of all of his issues, I'm dealing with HUGE self esteem issues. I have always disliked the way I look, which has led to about a million crash diets. Gaining 20, losing 20. The story of my chubby life. Well, when you gain almost 60 lbs while you're pregnant..it doesn't help anything. I know it was my fault. I ate a few to many dinners of mac and cheese. I wasn't thinking about still being in maternity pants 4 months postpartum. I feel hideous. My hormones still have to be out of whack. I have horrible hot flashes, mood swings, zits everywhere. (on my legs???? Who has that??) I can't stand to look in the mirror and I know it's not helping my depression. I went to the dr to have my hormone levels and thyroid checked. I will find out what's going on tomorrow. I am so paranoid that I will go into the office and the Dr. will sit down and say.."well, everything came back normal! Turns out you're just fat and crazy!" That would SO be my luck. He told me at my appointment when I had my blood drawn that according to the weight chart, that I am obese. Great. Faaan-tastic!! He really knows how to make a depressed girl's day! He also took me off Zoloft, which I think was really helping me, because he said I couldn't lose weight on that. He put me on Cymbalta, which I think is not helping me at all. So needless to say I am struggling. I want my baby to eat and sleep normally. I want to put on a pair of non-maternity pants and not want to cry. I want a full nights sleep. I want to sleep in a bed with my husband again. I want my life back.

I've got a plan..

So Easton did wonderful at his GI tests this week. He was a trooper. The Dr's saw only 2 small instances of reflux during the whole test. There is also nothing anatomcially wrong with his digestive system that would keep him from eating. His Dr seems to think he has a feeding aversion that some babies with reflux develop because they associate pain with feeding. He doesn't latch on correctly to the bottle and that also can happen to babies with reflux. What we are probably dealing with now is a habit of "snacking" every two hours and being put to sleep with a bottle in his mouth. I was always so afraid that there was something wrong with him that kept him from eating, that I was constantly giving in and feeding him whenever he fussed. I came to the conclusion @ 3:30 this morning as I was standing in front of the microwave, with my pajama pants on backwards, hair a mess, wearing my orthotic flip flops cause my feet have been hurting, heating up his bottle( don't worry you mom's who want to tell me your not supposed to use the microwave to heat up bottles..I pour the formula into a GLASS measuring cup and then test it with my impeccably clean finger before giving it to him) that I was NOT going to stick a bottle in this baby's mouth every 2 hours anymore. I am OVER it. Now that I know there is no reason why he can't eat, he is going to get on a schedule whether he likes it or not. He is also NOT going to be rocked to sleep with said bottle in his mouth. So it starts today. His morning nap was a battle that lasted an hour and a half. But I won. He ate almost 3.5 oz and got put in his crib drowsy. He immediately started whining. So I left him. I only went in to comfort and calm him down. He finally fell asleep. One bottle/nap down...many more to go. He finished his bottle @ 8:00am, so he is NOT being fed again till 11 am. I am done letting him run the show. It's my turn. I'm the one that's read all the books on how it should go..not him! SO wish me luck. I will succeed.

GI tests and some pics...

My sister in law and I took Easton to have his 3 month pictures yesterday. He did SO good!! I was afraid he would be a turd since it was during one of his sporadic naps, but he surprised me and was a total angel. It was so hard to pick out which pictures I wanted, so I just got a TON. We are having to go to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital today to have some gastro test run on him. I am not looking forward to this!! His Dr. wants to rule out any anatomical reasons why he can't (or won't) eat more than 2-3 oz at a time. He's not gaining enough weight for his age..which concerns us. The good thing is he hasn't lost any weight either. He is having a barium swallow and something called a video fluoroscope?? ( i think that's what it's called) done this afternoon. I just hope and pray that they either find nothing, or they find something that can be easily fixed. I just want him to be able to eat like a normal 3 1/2 month old baby. So send some prayers our way today....we can sure use them.

Wondering when I can post this....

I have been wondering for awhile now when I can put this on my blog and be sure that it's true. I suppose I survived the worst of it, but I don't know if it's completely gone from my life. Or is it ever completely gone? I wonder if having a baby that has problems keeps it from going away. Easton is still having some significant feeding issues that we can't get under control. Just when I think he's going to have a good day...he refuses his bottle again. I hate feeding time. Whenever it is..which I don't really know throughout the day because this child can't be on any type of schedule. It makes me feel like I am stuck in this house. When is he going to eat next? When is he going to want to sleep? Is he going to wake up 30 minutes after I put him down and want to eat? And if he wants to eat, will he? These are the questions I deal with every day. I've tried every bottle out there, every nipple, and now every formula. He's been on two different medicines twice a day, since he was about 3 weeks old. No improvement. Is he just picky? Who knows. I finally found a pediatrician that I like who is just not telling me, "it's colic, he'll grow out of it." We switched him to soy with cereal on Friday after his appointment like the dr said, and nothing...still no improvement. The next step is to take him to a gastrointerologist?(spelling) to see if he has some more serious issue. Why can't the new formula just work??? I am up with him every hour and a half to two hours every night. Do you realize how exhausting that is? And depressing? Those are the longest most lonely nights ever. I pray for daylight.
So is this what's keeping me from feeling better? I have good days..don't get me wrong. But it seems when he is at his worst, so am I. I have been having some terrible guilt lately thinking that maybe if I would've breast fed he wouldn't be having these problems. He is 13 weeks old and I can count on two hands the number of 4 oz bottles he has taken. That's not normal!! I want normal..I need normal. I know that not all babies are perfect all the time, but I need mine to at least be some kind of normal. I have started telling people that he's doing good just because I am tired of telling them how bad he's doing. I'm tired of trying to explain what's wrong with him..cause I don't really know. This makes it so hard to look forward to each day. I still dread the nighttime like when he was younger and I was in the midst of the worst of my postpartum depression. I don't blame him. I know that even if he was a "perfect baby" I would've still got postpartum depression/anxiety. I just need a light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that one of these days it will all be okay, and I'm having a hard time being optimistic right now. I just want him to be able to eat, ya know? I feel so bad for the little guy. I know it's just as hard on him as it is on us. I've started to be more weepy lately like before. I cried during almost all his bottles yesterday. When his tears start, so do mine. I just keep asking myself "why our baby?" I have friends that have had babies around the same time as I had Easton and I don't even want to talk to them about their babies. I haven't answered phone calls from the mommies just cause I don't want to hear how much theirs are sleeping, and how well they eat. Wow..this is a depressing post huh? Thanks to anyone that actually sat and read the whole thing. Even if nobody does read the whole thing, I needed to write it down. This to shall pass, right? I sure hope so. Sooner rather than later. So I am still waiting for the day when I can put that little label on my blog and mean it.