Me and PPD these days

I have done a lot of thinking lately about how far I've come since 2 weeks after Easton was born. I have to do this often when I start feeling blue. It helps me to know the "blue" won't last. I still have this weird feeling that the antidepressant is a "band-aid", just covering up something dark that's lurking inside me. But I am nowhere near as paralyzed with fear, sadness, emptiness and loneliness everyday. I was giving Easton a bottle this morning before his nap and we went through the same routine we have since he was born. I put a cloth diaper against my chest, he lays his head on it and I drape the top part of it over his eyes, and he drinks. I sat, humming Jesus Loves Me and watching him. Then it hit me. I remembered why I started draping the diaper over his eyes when I fed him to sleep. So he couldn't watch me cry. In those early days if I wasn't crying because I was so destitute I could die sitting right there, I was crying because he wouldn't eat and I was so destitute I could sit there and die. He would watch me. He would watch me with those big blue eyes and it killed me. I just knew he could tell I didn't want to be there with him. I just knew he could see my tears and he knew they meant I was beyond miserable holding him. So I started covering his eyes. It actually helped him go to sleep. Now he does it out of pure comfort. The minute I drape that diaper over his eyes, they shut and he is at peace. Amazing how something that I did out of anquish for so long, has turned into something that makes him feel cozy and safe. That's how I know I've made progress. I don't do it to hide from him, I do it because he loves it. Am I completely out of the woods? No. I can't say that yet. But there is light around me now most of the time, where there only used to be darkness. I read the words of other mom's struggling with this disease and it is so familiar to me that it actually physically hurts. I hurt for these women. I want to be able to sit right in front of the ones that are in the midst of the worst and just hug them. If I can say that it will get better, then trust me, it will get better.

Happy Father's Day!

First I'll start by saying Happy Father's day to my husband and my dad. Both are very important men in my life and I love them both immensely. I forgot to send my dad a card, which I never forget to do. I feel really bad about that. I am going to blame it on Easton. (hee hee) Ever since I had him..my brain has lost half it's capacity to hold information. I forget a lot of things nowadays. Anyhoo..I called my dad this morning to let him know how much I love him.
I haven't posted anything on how Easton is doing in a couple weeks, cause our Internet has been down. I was forced to use Jason's Blackberry for the Internet and I couldn't hardly stand it. The buttons are to freaking small for my chunky man fingers. Sooo.. I had to wait to get our new pc card or whatever this thing is that sticks out the side of our laptop. Easton is doing a lot better. I finally was able to get him on some sort of sleep schedule. I followed the Healthy Sleep Habits book and have him up at 7am, down for 1st nap between 8-9am, then down for second nap between 12-1pm, then a shorter nap in the later after noon. He's going to bed by 7pm, which is the hardest part for him. That's the one time he still fights it. I have him able to go to sleep on his own too..for the most part. That sucked. He did a lot of crying..but he eventually got it. I still have to go in there sometimes, but he's not being put to sleep for every nap and bedtime with a bottle in his mouth. He is eating SO much better also. I have realized that he was just holding out for some "real" food. He LOVES his baby food and cereal! The kid will put it away. Anything we put on a spoon, he will eat. He's also started taking his bottle better. No more fighting it. I guess he was just never really hungry because I was shoving one in his mouth anytime he had to sleep or cried. Not anymore! We haven't got him to skip a feeding at night yet though. He's not up every two hours, but he's still being fed twice. I am going to wait a few more weeks till his 5 months to really get serious about that. It so much harder at night. The crying, I mean. I've done it a couple times and it breaks my heart. Plus, when I know he's in there crying, it's hard for me to sleep. I did fall asleep one time while he was crying. But, man, it's hard! So all in all, he's doing much better. Oh, and thank you so much if you left a sweet comment to my last post. It still amazes me, the love you can get from mommy's you don't even know personally! There are good people out there...you mommy bloggers rock!!!

Lord, help me, help my baby sleep.

He's been crying for I don't know how long. He didn't take any good naps today and he's REFUSING to go to sleep for the night. I've read the books. All of them. I am still in the dark of what to do and when to start. I need a step by step..and I mean detailed..instruction sheet. I am not good at taking a book like, Healthy Sleep Habits, and putting it into effect in my sons life. Do I follow chapter "Months one thru four" or "Five thru twelve" He's four months old, but the chapter one thru four, doesn't help me in my situation, Dr. Weissbluth! I would hire a sleep consultant to come to my house in a heartbeat, if I could find one in Nashville. I can't find one. I need someone stronger than I am to help fix this. Easton is obviously a sleep deprived baby. I haven't taught him good sleep habits. Or I don't know if I could have, with all his feeding problems. At this point in my life, I don't look forward to anything. I admitted to my mom today, that if someone would've have told me what I would look like, feel like and be dealing with right now, I would've NEVER even had a baby. That is horrible. It's horrible and it's extremely sad. I have a beautiful baby boy, who didn't ask to be brought into this world, when some women try and try to have a baby and can't. I am painfully aware of that..so keep those comments to yourself. I just want for one day to be enjoyable. I just want to not dread nighttime, or nap time, or feeding time. He's screaming...and screaming...and screaming..and screaming..and screaming..

Vestibular what??

So I took Easton to see an OT yesterday. This appointment was following the one we had with a feeding therapist to try and figure out why he's not eating like a normal 4 month old. She observed some things, and I told her some of the weird stuff he was doing and she thought he could benefit from an evaluation with an OT. So this is what the OT told me. (It's hard to explain and difficult to understand!) Due to the fact that he was breech (at my c-section it was discovered that the reason he was breech was that the cord was wrapped around his neck twice) he shows "symptoms?" of having a slight vestibular disorder. Some of the traits or symptoms are that when having his bath, he throws his arms out to the side and holds his breath, like he thinks he is falling. He also does this when changing his diaper. He hates to ride in the car..the movement of the car is what he doesn't like. He doesn't like tummy time. He prefers to be standing..at all times! He doesn't like having his hands messed with. He doesn't like to be laid all the way back to eat. (Which I never did cause of reflux) The OT explained that when a baby is in the womb, they usually move all around before settling into the head down position. All that movement develops their vestibular system. The vestibular systems controls our sense of movement and balance. That's about the easiest explanation I can come up with. This is all very new to me and I'm still trying to process it. He has to go to see the OT a few more times and we are doing some things at home to help him. Evidently if not treated, this can cause delays in crawling and walking. I still don't fully understand how they think this has hindered his feeding, but lately, nothing surprises me. What could possibly be next for this poor baby? I have finally come to the conclusion that he will eat when he's ready. He's finishing more 4 oz bottles than before, not every bottle and not everyday, but a few more than before. So I'm guessing by the time he's going to be taken off the bottle, he will have worked up to 8 oz. Ha. He's finally hit 12 pounds! What a porker. :-) He's still not sleeping through the night, but he has started going 3 hours in between a lot more. Except for last night, he was fed at 1 am, then awake from 2:30 to 4am. Little turd. So, yeah, that's what's up with Easton these days. Who knew being breech could have possibly caused all the problems? Weird!!! Well..I need to be doing something constructive, like cleaning the kitchen floor, while he's napping. Off I go...