Begin again

So last week I started over. I exercised at least 4 days, tracked what I ate and played outside a lot with Easton. Soooooo...as of this morning I am 3 lbs down. Sweet! My problem is purely lack of motivation. I just need to do it. Just eat what I'm supposed to and move. Now..if I can just keep this up for the next 20 lbs or so, I'll be good. :-)

1st week: FAIL

I'm not sure why I can't be good enough this time.

I'm not sure why I can't just go to bed at night, instead of staying up and eating my son's leftover macaroni and cheese. I wasn't even hungry.

I'm not sure why I can't use the fact that I HATE my body as motivation enough to NOT SHOVE more food in my mouth.

I'm not sure why I keep longing for the person I was before I had Easton.

I miss her.

Okay..so you miss 'her'? Yes. Then why can't you be disciplined enough with this diet to do what it takes to get 'her' back?

I'm not sure.

Another type of journey

Not much has changed in my life lately. That's ok..except that it's not. I've ignored my weight for to long. See, I started to try and lose the weight a while back. I lost about 17 lbs. Guess what? I've gained almost ALL of it back. That, folks, makes me want to puke..or cry..or hit something. Why? Why do I do this to myself? Is that bowl of ice cream that I ate worth it, worth all the mental torture I put myself through after I ate it? No. I am so tired of hating myself. I know that sounds harsh, but that's exactly how I feel. I don't want to got through another summer not wanting to take my son outside because I don't want my fat rolls to sweat. Attractive. I want to be able to go to my mom and dad's and play in their pool with Easton without hating myself the entire time and wearing a total full body granny swimsuit. I'm tired of not wanting my husband to touch me. So what caused this "a ha" moment? Well, I finally stood in the bathroom yesterday and looked at myself..naked. Oh my. It was sad. I was sad. My poor fat belly is sad. Then I stepped on the scale. I haven't done that in a few months. 163.8 lbs. I'm 5'3 or so. That weight, at my height is considered obese. So Easton and I went to Target and got momma new super duper sturdy sports bra. When little man went down for his nap, I got on the treadmill. I ran 1 min/ walked 90 sec for 30 minutes. I pulled a muscle in my groin, got nauseous, was very grossed out by everything jiggling..but I did it. No excuses. Not anymore. I know what needs to be done and I know how to do it. So here goes nothing...

What's up with me?

I still come to my blog to read the lovelie's I have hanging out over in my blog roll. Every time I do..I see my last post and it bothers me. It just makes me feel..I don't know..so, boring. I mean, I'm still boring, nothing new has happened to me. I'm still hanging with my precious boy everyday, although I have started exercising regularly! I lost 5 lbs, went on my first vacation in 3 years..aaannnd gained 6 lbs in a week and a half. Wow. Anyway, I don't know if I'll start posting regularly again, maybe..maybe not. If the mood strikes me again I guess I will. I'm doing pretty good fighting the PPD monster. I had a really rough patch a couple months ago and had to up my Pristiq, but it passed. It always does now. I still have a hard time looking at pictures from that time, and I still have these weird flashbacks if I see a certain thing or smell a certain smell. (that is so strange to me) But other than that, I'm good. I still have the feeling that I want to help other women going through PPD/PPA. Maybe I'll figure out how to someday. So, I guess that's it. Just wanted to say Hi..and let the 3 people who may see this know I'm doing okay.

I'm out..

I'm pretty much done with this blogging thing. I am not a writer, I am just a mom. My life is not interesting enough to even act like I have anything to put on here. I find myself just getting on here to check the blogs I like to keep up with. It makes me feel bad to have a blog that some mom might find and come to wanting some encouraging words about having PPD/PPA, and there are none here to be found. If you come here and are looking for that (which is how I was in those early horrible dark days), go over to my blogroll and check some of those lovely ladies out who do have something to say.

All Work and No Play Makes Mommy Go Something Something is Kim's blog. She super duper awesome and is a strong warrior mommy who is really good at this blogging thing.

Ivy's PPD Blog is the first one I came across when I was searching for some answers and support. Ivy is so sweet and has a ton of good information on her blog about all things PPD.

A few other's that I love to check on are Not Super..Just Mom, Farewell Stranger and Musings, Musings, Musings. So there you go. I wish I could have kept on doing this and been halfway interesting. Thanks to those of you who have commented here, that was my favorite part, reading those comments. Good luck to all of you out there still struggling. Don't feel bad for taking medication. Don't isolate yourself and not let anyone know you're hurting. Call your Dr. Tell your family. Get help. You are a good mom even if you don't bond with your baby right away. That comes with time. No, your husband and baby would not be better off with out you. They need you. Don't feel like you have to do it all, accept help from others. It does get better...I promise.

I'll be back..

Okay, I know I need to post something about what's going on in my life, but I'm in a bit of a slump. I will try come up with something to post about, even if it's just the adorable things my son is doing lately. It's hard for me to put thoughts into words, and not have it sound stupid. Or I think of a really funny line to type, then I type it, and it doesn't seem funny written out. That's one of the few reasons I've thought a lot about not even doing this blog anymore. I really would like to keep it up, so we will see. Maybe I'll have some big epiphany and become an awesome mommy blogger that makes you sooo jealous of my awesome/crafty/happy life! (haha..see, that's funny to me 'cause I get jealous of some all too perfect mommy bloggers, which is ridiculous) Anyhoo..I hope to be able to fill up this space soon!

My big boy..

So my baby is turning one on Thursday. I am kinda sad about it so I will just post these adorable 12 month pictures of him to make you all smile. :-)

Easton's first Christmas

The past two posts were so depressing, I would've posted something jolly before now, but we've been busy. I just had a really bad few weeks there before Christmas. Of course I started feeling better once I was surrounded by my family..I knew I would. I'm not sure if it was the cold, dreary weather that had me down, but I'm glad I'm out of that little "slump". Whew. It's like I know it isn't going to last, due to my past experience's, but I can never convince myself of it during said "slump. Easton and I are staying in Indiana with my parents, sister and my niece's for a few days, so this should be fun! Jason had to go back to work tomorrow, so he left this afternoon.
Easton's first Christmas has been so fun! It snowed here in Indiana, so it was also white! He opened some really cool presents, then crawled over and started playing with the old toys mom had out. I got some cute pics though...Hope everyone had a holly jolly Christmas!

Just go away

What is with this sadness that is filling me up like a cup about to overflow? I was feeling so good for awhile. }sigh{ I just can't seem to shake it. It's also crazy that I've done two blog posts in less than 24 hours. I've already cried today, and that hasn't happened in awhile either. I laid Easton down for his nap and just lost it. I should be looking forward to Christmas, but I'm not. This post is going to be a silly rambling piece of work, but I just need to get some stuff off my chest. There's no one really to call right now and cry too..so I decided to write. I wish I could say it's PMS, but I don't think it is. My days seem so long and endless with nothing really to do. It's horrible to feel this way right now because Easton is so cute and funny and I need to be enjoying the last of his baby-ness, but I'm struggling to find that joy. (run on sentence, I know) I just want it to go away.

Blessings

Why is putting into words what I am feeling sometimes so stinkin' hard??? I've had a post in mind and haven't for the life of me, been able to type it out. I will start, then I read it back and it sounds like a 2nd grader wrote it (no offense to 2nd graders) or it just doesn't express what's going on in my head. Maybe that's a hint as to what's going on in my head is WAAAY to scary to be on a blog. (haha?) Anyway..I've had some really blue days in the past couple weeks. I know I posted about being boring and feeling better and yada yada yada..but there's been something lurking that is driving me batty. I feel okay some days, then the rest of the week I'm just..well...off. It's not helping to tell myself that I have no reason to be sad. I try that, often. It's kinda scary because of my dealing with PPD/PPA in the not so distant past. The feelings are very familiar to me, and they bring a lot of extra weight with them. I tend to get on here and go to my faithful blogs that I read, and see that everyone has bad days. It's OK. Today I went to one blog that I check often, but it's not on my blog list. I don't even really know how I found it. But this blog has moved me. I've been reading it for a couple months now and I feel like I NEED to know what's going on with this lovely family. Just google
"eb ing mommy" The actual address is www.randycourtneytripproth.blogspot.com Courtney has a sweet little toddler named Tripp, who has a disease called Junctional Epidermolysis Bullosa. Her blog is heartbreaking and inspiring all at the same time. I don't have the knowledge to explain this disease to you, just go visit her site. She never fails to post about not only the sadness and stress of her son's horrible disease, but she always makes sure to let you know that he is a blessing to her and her family. That her life wouldn't be the same with out him, and that she trusts that God knows what he's doing by giving her this beautiful baby who suffers from EB. All I know is that her blog makes me count my blessings. I am in no way saying that all I need to do is count my blessings and my depression will go away. But I am in a different place now. When I read Courtney's posts now, they do make me feel better. Five months ago..they would've done no good. Whatever..I'm no good at explaining myself in typed words. Just go visit Courtney's blog, then count your blessings. I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas, eats a whole lotta crap and falls off the diet wagon with me.

I am so boring.

I have been at a loss for what to blog about lately, and have considered just not blogging anymore, because, to tell you the truth, we are just not that interesting. I started blogging when I was pregnant, then it kinda turned into a blog about me and my PPD/PPA struggles/Easton's feeding and sleeping issues. Well, I feel lots better, and my son is a champion sleeper now. (Did I just jinx myself? Probably.) Soooooo...that's why I don't really know what to blog about. I admire the women who's blogs I read religiously, for being able to come up with stuff to write about almost daily. Again, I am just not that interesting. Being a sahm can get quite boring. I know no one wants to hear about how many times my son poops a day, or the fact that he refuses to feed himself and that his favorite thing to do is sit on the dryer while I get laundry out. Hold on to your seat folks! This is exciting stuff! Well, there is one thing I have accomplished that I haven't blogged about and that is my weight loss. I gained an enormous amount of weight when I was pregnant and have so far lost 17 pounds! Yay for me! It's taken me awhile, but I told myself I wanted to be back in my old clothes by his first birthday. I just might be there too...maybe. I have also thought about doing some blogs about recipes I try. I am now addicted to food blogs..and I love to try all the recipes from them. I have made some pretty good one, and a few that went straight to the dog. I thought that might be interesting, plus I love to cook! I also have seen mom's do product reviews of stuff they use, I could do that too. I have spent money on some baby stuff that I would love to tell other mom's that it wasn't quite worth it, or it was wonderful. Well, that's it. I guess if something groundbreaking happens to me, you (?) will be the first to know!

9 months already!

It's hard for me to believe that he's 9 months old today. Everyone tells you that it goes fast, and they are right. I think back to his first 4-5 months, and if you would have asked me then if it's going fast, I would have told you no. Between his colic and feeding issues, and my struggle with postpartum depression/anxiety, time was creeping by. I sit here and think back to how I felt those first few months and what I can remember is..oh..how do I even put into words those feelings? I've tried in the past, using words like, dark, despair, extreme loneliness, horrible sadness...and yet, it seems as though those don't even touch what I was experiencing. People would tell me "it does get better", and I had a hard time believing them. I am still working getting rid of the guilt of not caring for Easton like a new mommy should care for her newborn baby. When I say "care" for him..it's not that I didn't take care of him..you know the basic stuff. I did all those things..but I did them on autopilot. I might as well have been holding someone elses baby, that's how disconnected I was. I don't have any memory of snuggling up with him when he was all swaddled and sleeping. What I do have memory of is him laying on the couch in his sleep positioner, for what seems like all day. Typing that today hurts my heart. I hurt for him. He deserved a better mommy, a sane mommy. Much like the mommy he has today. I can say I am through the worst of it. I still have my days, moments of sadness that I can't explain. Those days are nothing like the days those first few months. So today I celebrate Easton, and all he's accomplished his first 9 months.

*He weighs 17 lbs and is...umm..I don't know how long he is. We go to his 9 mo well baby nxt week. He's still pretty short I think.

*He finally slept through the night...for a week. Ahh...but what a glorious week it was. Then those silly central incisors on top started coming and ruined it all. :-(

*He loves to walk! Not on his own, but with me, holding my fingers and killing my back. All around the house, all day. He does make pit stops at each door stopper thing and bang it around for a minute or two. But he would hold your fingers and walk all day if my back could stand it.

*He also loves to look out windows. He will stop at each window in the house and bang on the glass till I open it. Even if it's cold, he will stand there with his nose pressed to the screen and just observe.

*The kitchen windows are his favorite, because there, he gets to watch his best buddy, Ozzie. Ozzie is our akita, who he adores! Ozzie adores Easton too, and shows it by giving him big nasty kisses if I'm not quick enough to shield Easton's face.

*I believe he is still a big ole momma's boy..hee hee!

*This kid will eat anything. Which is so crazy, because the first few months of his life, I couldn't get the child to eat! Now, you better be ready to share whatever your are eating, because he wants a bite. He ate half my dinner last night, and that's after he had already had his. He loves string cheese, baked cheetos, spinach!, noodles, and hummus. Kinda of a random list of fav's huh?

*Easton will only sleep in HIS bed. We visited my parents in Indiana a few weeks ago, and it was the worst few nights we've had in a long time! He did have a cold, which didn't help, but he knew he was not in his bed!

*Oh goodness, I really should have put this one first. Easton is a thumb sucker. Next to walking, sucking his thumb while holding his blanket, is his favorite thing! AGH! Let's hope this doesn't turn into a long term thing. But for now, it really helps him put himself to sleep, which is a good thing.

I could go on, but this already is going down in the record books of my longest post ever. To sum it up, I love my baby. I love him with a love so strong it takes my breath away. That too, is a good thing.

Some random cuteness..

My how things change..

My husband and I haven't been on vacation since before Easton was born. Actually, the last vacation we took, he was conceived. TMI? Sorry. With me staying home with Easton, it just hasn't been in the budget. When we go on vacation, we go to Florida where his parents have a condo. We LOVE the beach. Love, love, love it. We hope to take Easton next summer when he's a bit older, and we hope he loves it too! So, instead of taking a full vacation, we decided to go on a mini weekend getaway. Jason's passion is rock crawling. If you don't know what that is, it's crazy men who take these jeep looking things and literally crawl up and down big rocks. It sounds weird, but it is so fun! We camp out and crawl around on rocks, and just relax. Of course we don't take Easton. So, I asked my parents to come stay with him for a couple of nights while we go. It was originally going to be two nights. Right after they agreed, I started feeling funny about it. Funny like, I don't want to leave Easton for two nights. I am now going up later, so I only have to leave him for one night. I feel a bit better about that. It got me to thinking about a time, not so long ago, but that feels like ages ago. After Easton was born, and I was going through the worst of my PPD/PPA, I would've cared less about leaving him overnight. I would gladly pack him up and send him to whoever wanted him. Sad huh? Jason's aunt even kept him one time for at least two days. I think I called to check on him once. Only because I felt like I had to. When in came time to go pick him up, the anxiety kicked in big time. I would literally have panic attacks in the car. I didn't want to get him. I didn't want to have him back and listen to him scream. I now know this wasn't me, this was the PPD. My how things have changed. Now I can barely stand the thought of leaving him for one night, and I love it. Thank you, Pristiq, for giving me my life back. Thank you for allowing me to come to fully bond and fall in love with this marvelous, beautiful baby. I don't know where I would be right now with out that anti-depressant. I will gladly take it as long as I have to. I will gladly be nauseous at the thought of leaving my baby with someone overnight. Sometimes, change is good.

Nothing much..

I haven't done a post in a few weeks..cause nothing much is going on. Just enjoying the bursts of not so hot weather, and being home with Easton. Who, by the way, is getting so big! He is sleeping better! Yay!! He only is eating one time at night, usually around 4, and I am finally getting a "full" nights sleep! Glorious sleep! I feel like a different person these days! I have realized that sleep deprivation is mean and horrible. I successfully cut out his 12-1 am feeding without much crying. Thank God. He's got his first tooth, which was a sucky thing to go through! It upset his sleep, mood, everything. Once it broke through the gums, he was back to his sweetie pea self. He has started to realize he can make himself cough. But before I realized he was making himself do it, I paid a 35 co-pay to his dr., because I was convinced he had freakin' whooping cough or something. Ha. The Dr. said "have you ever thought that maybe he's doing it on purpose, because he can?" Umm...no. Hee hee..my bad. It's cute now. He's not crawling yet, but very close. What he would rather do is hold your fingers and WALK around. Not at 7 1/2 months!! AGH!! Jason walked before he was 10 months old, so I think we are going to have an early walker on our hands. I also have a momma's boy developing! He is all about me these days..which secretly makes me smile. So that's what we've been up to..nothing much. Just playing and enjoying this funny, sweet, adorable baby boy!

Where's the doody?

Easton has this habit of starting to poop in the middle of his bottles. Being the kind of baby that can only do one thing at a time..he stops eating..and finishes pooping. Sometimes I can get him to finish the bottle, but most of the time not. So..we change the diaper. His other "bad" habit..is to act like he's done pooping, then he pulls a "sike! you thought I was done huh?" on me. He finishes while I'm changing him. TMI..I know, such is the glamorous life of a SAHM. Anyhoo, I change him, put him down for his nap and go wash my hands. I go about fixing my lunch and sit down in front of our laptop and tv to enjoy a little time to myself. But I keep smelling poop. I look on my shirt, look everywhere,,no poop. I finish my lunch and get a couple snackwell cookies and some milk. Dunking the cookie, I still smell poop. I finish the first cookie and FINALLY notice a dark smudge on the knuckle of my dunking hand. Yep..you guessed it. I had poop on the cookie dunking knuckle. The remaining cookies don't look so good anymore. And if you knew me..you would know I rarely leave a cookie behind. So it turns out that putting your kids poop on the back of the hand that you eat with, is a good appetite suppressant. There you go..Julie's diet tip of the day.

Peek a boo..

This is the most recent move he does when I lay him down for his nap. He peeks. I watch on the monitor, and he pulls down the bumper pad and peeks out, like, "is she really gone?? wow..look at all my toys down there on the floor, sure wish I was playin'". It is adorable. He started pulling the bumper pad completely off first..I have ordered one of those breathable bumpers, that won't come off. I just thought this was to cute not to take a picture!!

Easton @ 6 months

Six months ago yesterday, Jason and I were blessed with a amazingly beautiful baby boy. It is hard to believe it's really been six months! Easton, you amaze us every day with your faces and sounds that you have perfected. Here are some things you spend your days doing..

*standing..like..all day. You literally will not bend your knees to sit down unless forced!

*you can sit up on your own though! You will topple over at some point, but you are basically doing it all by yourself

*you aren't quite crawling, but are soo close!

*you still don't sleep through the night..but feeding twice is better than every two hours!!

*you are loving the baby food! Anything mommy puts in your mouth, you eat!

*you are finally up to taking 4-6 oz of formula! Ya-hoo!

*you love to blow "bubbles", really it's just spitting all over the place, but it's so cute!

*you love to screech! That's how you communicate these days..hilarious!

*daddy says you're a momma's boy..:-)

Those are just some of the lovely and amazing things that you do now days. Mommy and Daddy love you SO much and can't imagine what we ever did with out you..umm..besides sleep..but other than that...you are our missing link, baby boy!

Silly me

I've been curious lately as to how I would react off of antidepressants. I am on Pristiq, which is the fourth one I've tried. It seemed to be going good...but I was thinking that maybe it was me that was good. You know..that I was good..not just the Pristiq. There were a couple of reasons why I decided to try weaning off of Pristiq. I'm not going to list them because I don't want any one's opinion on why they aren't good enough reasons. The first week I was okay. Not much change. So I thought it was going to be easy! "see, you are better!", I was telling myself. Then this past weekend I started having some old familiar feelings that came sneaking up on me. When I was in the midst of PPD/PPA, I used to have a hard time dealing with being at home alone with Easton all day, everyday. It would physically make me sick. "what am I going to do all day with him??" "there are so many hours and not enough naps till Jason gets home" " I am so lonely.." Well, those thoughts were back in my head. All too familiar, and terrifying. Then the 'tears for no reason' started showing up. Like right now..as I am typing this. Here they are. I keep looking at the time on the computer, counting the hours till Jason gets home. All I want Easton to do is nap. Poor baby. We were sitting on the floor this morning.. and I was crying. I had looked at the clock and it was only 9am. That was what triggered them. He laid there looking up at me like.."oh great..here we go again." I called my mom and told her I don't think I can do this. I wanted so much to be okay. But it's obvious to me that this asshole PPD, is still hanging around my house. I filled my prescription this afternoon. I didn't even wait till I got home to take one. I was so afraid of having to feel the other awful things I felt awhile ago. I don't EVER want to feel that way again. So if taking this drug is going to keep me smiling at my baby day after sometimes boring day..then I'll take it. This dreadful thing may still have a claw or two in me, but that's all it's going to get. It can't have all of me back.

Nutrisystem journey: Day 2

I desperately need to lose this baby weight. It's almost embarrassing to say that I gained almost 60lbs when I was pregnant with Easton. Saying that I took being pregnant as an excuse to eat is an understatement. Sooo..I am trying Nutrisystem! I started yesterday. It was a hard day for me. You have your nutrisystem meals, plus you add in dairy, protein, fruit and LOTS of vegetables. The vegetables are the hard part for me. I'm not a big veggie eater. Unless it's corn on the cob, mashed potatoes, or a salad with cheese, ranch and croutons. I went to the store and bought a bunch of salad and fruit and stuff..and started my journey. The breakfast wasn't to bad. The lunch was gross. The nutrisystem website has a bunch of forums of members and how they "doctor up" the food to make it more palatable. It has a lot of good ideas on it. Why is dieting so freaking hard for me??? I LOVE food. I love making food. I love everything about food. Which is why I am in this situation in the first place. I also HATE exercise. It makes me nauseous to think about getting on that treadmill in the bonus room. (Plus the air conditioner in there is broken, and I'm still having hot flashes all the time..which makes it almost unbearable ) My younger sister Joni, has recently become a workout queen. She started doing these workout video's and looks amazing! She is always willing to flex her arms and show you her new muscle definition, if you want to see it. :-) She keeps telling me "muscle burns fat...lift weights!" Ugh. I don't even own any weights. I don't know why doing something just for 30 min a day sounds so impossible to me. You would think as much as I dislike my body right now, that I would be all over some exercise. It's just me. My husband gained some weight with me during the pregnancy. Of course he's already lost it. All he did was stop eating Taco Bell a couple times a week. ARGH!! Oh, and I don't even own a scale. I guess I need to buy one to be able to chronicle this exciting journey. I have 38 lbs to lose to get to where I was when I got pregnant. Here we go...