8 weeks old

Well, we've made it 2 months. Whew. It's been a LONG 2 months. For Easton and us. As far as his eating/crying problems go, they are a little better. We went in for his 8 week checkup on Monday and the Dr. added Prevacid to the Zantac he is on. So we are doing both twice a day. He still is a sporadic eater and sleeper. He is just not beginning to take naps over a hour long. He still gets up a lot at night too. Our biggest challenge these days is getting to finish more than a 2 oz bottle. It just seems to me that he should be eating more and going longer in between by now! I know if his belly is hurting, he can't eat more than that at a time, but I am so ready for him to eat like a normal baby. He has a bad day on Monday. We had to endure about 5 complete screaming in agony fits. One of them was at the dr's office during the exam. So at least the Dr. got to witness what we are dealing with. Of course she was unfazed, while Jason and I sat there like two nervous wrecks. He weighs in at 9lbs 4 oz. He seems so much bigger now. He has started to smile at us every once in awhile now. It's adorable and I can't wait till he does it more.
As far as my postpartum struggle goes, I have been improving. I still have days where I can feel those sad feelings creeping up behind me, but I am able to get through them without crying and feeling hopeless. The new medication I am on must be kicking in. I can now sleep in between feedings at night now. I still have some trouble falling asleep, but at least I am able to. I still don't feel comfortable with staying home with him ALL day with nothing to do, so I try to plan something everyday. Which is hard when I never know when he's going to sleep or eat. Thankfully Jason's sister stays home with her children and lets us come hang out. She loves to keep him too..so I already have an awesome babysitter! So all in all, things are getting better. Now if I cold just lose this baby weight, that would the icing on the cake!!

Life at six weeks

I would post a picture of Easton at six weeks..but I don't have one. I know that sounds horrible. But taking pictures of him has been the last thing on my mind lately. He's hit a pretty rough stage. We are having some issues with feeding, mainly him not wanting to. He cries and fights his bottle which is SO frustrating. Our pediatrician has diagnosed him as "colicky" and given him Zantac. We have switched his formula to Alimentum which costs about a $100 a can..well..not really..but it seems like it. It will be a week tomorrow that we switched the formula, and he's been on Zantac since the 5th. So we are hoping for a magical response to both the medicine and the formula switch. He still wants to eat every 2 hours and will only eat 2 ounces. Needless to say, I am exhausted from doing that at night. Oh, and he seems to think the day starts at 4:30-5:00 am. Ugh. Oh, and he's started crying a lot at night. He loves to fight his sleep too...it's got to get better. I know it does..tons of mom's have told me it does. I just keep trusting that and try to stay as patient as possible.
I have improved a little with the postpartum depression. It is a scary and stressful thing. I have never felt so miserable in my life. Seriously. It is hard to describe the feelings that I have been feeling. They are feelings that a mother should never have to feel. Try to imagine not wanting to take care of your own baby every day. Try to imagine feeling so scared of taking care of your baby that you have actual panic attacks. I fight feelings of hopelessness..extreme sadness. Insomnia is another symptom that has hit me also. So even when he is sleeping, I can't. I have seen a psychologist and am starting a new medication. I have hope that this will be the help I need to turn me back into Julie. Because for my son, husband, family..and me..I need to be Julie again.

The first 4 weeks...

Whew. Where to begin. I don't even really know where to begin. The c-section went as planned. The reason Easton was breech was that the cord was wrapped around his neck..twice. He couldn't turn if he wanted to. That was a bit scary. They had to do some work on him to get his little lungs working. He was 5lbs 15 oz and about 18 1/2 inches long. Tons of dark hair, and looks exactly like his daddy. Nothing like his mommy. Oh well..he's healthy! That's all that matters. The stay in the hospital was somewhat pleasant. Jason and I both didn't really want to leave. We were kicked out after 3 days. The first few days home were rough. I was extremely sore from the surgery and had a hard time getting up and down. I tried to do to much the first night and ended up having a mini-breakdown. That mini breakdown turned into a case of postpartum depression. I had been prepared that this might happen to me. I just wasn't prepared for what it felt like. It is the most awful feeling I've ever encountered. It's hard to put into words the darkness and despair that filled my entire being those first few weeks. I had no interest in taking care of Easton, which brought on a whole other set of feelings..guilt. I brought this baby into the world and he deserves a mother who has it together! I didn't have it together! I had heard all the stories about mothers who saw their babies for the first time and instantly fell in love. I didn't have this feeling. I actually saw him as a stranger who was in my house and wrecking my life. I know all of this sounds horrible. But it is so real to me that I have to write it down. I dreaded each day and had panic attacks at night. I would lay in bed with my heart pounding and wait for his next cry. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I couldn't see myself ever happy with this life. Luckily I have two wonderful sisters and a amazing mom. They convinced me to call my ob and get put on some medication. It was a hard call to make. I had to admit to the nurse that I didn't even care that my baby was laying there crying and needed to be fed. I felt like a monster.
I debated whether or not to post all of this..but it's what's been happening in my life and I couldn't post something that wasn't true. I can say that I feel a lot better in the past few days. I feel like I can get up and take care of my baby, who is precious beyond words. I still have moments where I get choked up and need a to cry just to get it out, but other than that, I am good. I know it only gets better. It's hard right now because he is eating every 2 hours, which means not a lot of sleep. He is a good baby though. He only cries when he's hungry or hasn't had a poop in a day or so. I can say that my husband and I are truly blessed. I am blessed not only by this baby, but with my family. My mom and sisters have held my hand every step of the way and I love them beyond words for that. They are truly my angels. We are taking it day by day and enjoying this beautiful little boy God has given us.