The first 4 weeks...

Whew. Where to begin. I don't even really know where to begin. The c-section went as planned. The reason Easton was breech was that the cord was wrapped around his neck..twice. He couldn't turn if he wanted to. That was a bit scary. They had to do some work on him to get his little lungs working. He was 5lbs 15 oz and about 18 1/2 inches long. Tons of dark hair, and looks exactly like his daddy. Nothing like his mommy. Oh well..he's healthy! That's all that matters. The stay in the hospital was somewhat pleasant. Jason and I both didn't really want to leave. We were kicked out after 3 days. The first few days home were rough. I was extremely sore from the surgery and had a hard time getting up and down. I tried to do to much the first night and ended up having a mini-breakdown. That mini breakdown turned into a case of postpartum depression. I had been prepared that this might happen to me. I just wasn't prepared for what it felt like. It is the most awful feeling I've ever encountered. It's hard to put into words the darkness and despair that filled my entire being those first few weeks. I had no interest in taking care of Easton, which brought on a whole other set of feelings..guilt. I brought this baby into the world and he deserves a mother who has it together! I didn't have it together! I had heard all the stories about mothers who saw their babies for the first time and instantly fell in love. I didn't have this feeling. I actually saw him as a stranger who was in my house and wrecking my life. I know all of this sounds horrible. But it is so real to me that I have to write it down. I dreaded each day and had panic attacks at night. I would lay in bed with my heart pounding and wait for his next cry. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I couldn't see myself ever happy with this life. Luckily I have two wonderful sisters and a amazing mom. They convinced me to call my ob and get put on some medication. It was a hard call to make. I had to admit to the nurse that I didn't even care that my baby was laying there crying and needed to be fed. I felt like a monster.
I debated whether or not to post all of this..but it's what's been happening in my life and I couldn't post something that wasn't true. I can say that I feel a lot better in the past few days. I feel like I can get up and take care of my baby, who is precious beyond words. I still have moments where I get choked up and need a to cry just to get it out, but other than that, I am good. I know it only gets better. It's hard right now because he is eating every 2 hours, which means not a lot of sleep. He is a good baby though. He only cries when he's hungry or hasn't had a poop in a day or so. I can say that my husband and I are truly blessed. I am blessed not only by this baby, but with my family. My mom and sisters have held my hand every step of the way and I love them beyond words for that. They are truly my angels. We are taking it day by day and enjoying this beautiful little boy God has given us.