Monday, February 27, 2012

1st week: FAIL

I'm not sure why I can't be good enough this time.

I'm not sure why I can't just go to bed at night, instead of staying up and eating my son's leftover macaroni and cheese. I wasn't even hungry.

I'm not sure why I can't use the fact that I HATE my body as motivation enough to NOT SHOVE more food in my mouth.

I'm not sure why I keep longing for the person I was before I had Easton.

I miss her. you miss 'her'? Yes. Then why can't you be disciplined enough with this diet to do what it takes to get 'her' back?

I'm not sure.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Another type of journey

Not much has changed in my life lately. That's ok..except that it's not. I've ignored my weight for to long. See, I started to try and lose the weight a while back. I lost about 17 lbs. Guess what? I've gained almost ALL of it back. That, folks, makes me want to puke..or cry..or hit something. Why? Why do I do this to myself? Is that bowl of ice cream that I ate worth it, worth all the mental torture I put myself through after I ate it? No. I am so tired of hating myself. I know that sounds harsh, but that's exactly how I feel. I don't want to got through another summer not wanting to take my son outside because I don't want my fat rolls to sweat. Attractive. I want to be able to go to my mom and dad's and play in their pool with Easton without hating myself the entire time and wearing a total full body granny swimsuit. I'm tired of not wanting my husband to touch me. So what caused this "a ha" moment? Well, I finally stood in the bathroom yesterday and looked at myself..naked. Oh my. It was sad. I was sad. My poor fat belly is sad. Then I stepped on the scale. I haven't done that in a few months. 163.8 lbs. I'm 5'3 or so. That weight, at my height is considered obese. So Easton and I went to Target and got momma new super duper sturdy sports bra. When little man went down for his nap, I got on the treadmill. I ran 1 min/ walked 90 sec for 30 minutes. I pulled a muscle in my groin, got nauseous, was very grossed out by everything jiggling..but I did it. No excuses. Not anymore. I know what needs to be done and I know how to do it. So here goes nothing...