I've been curious lately as to how I would react off of antidepressants. I am on Pristiq, which is the fourth one I've tried. It seemed to be going good...but I was thinking that maybe it was me that was good. You know..that I was good..not just the Pristiq. There were a couple of reasons why I decided to try weaning off of Pristiq. I'm not going to list them because I don't want any one's opinion on why they aren't good enough reasons. The first week I was okay. Not much change. So I thought it was going to be easy! "see, you are better!", I was telling myself. Then this past weekend I started having some old familiar feelings that came sneaking up on me. When I was in the midst of PPD/PPA, I used to have a hard time dealing with being at home alone with Easton all day, everyday. It would physically make me sick. "what am I going to do all day with him??" "there are so many hours and not enough naps till Jason gets home" " I am so lonely.." Well, those thoughts were back in my head. All too familiar, and terrifying. Then the 'tears for no reason' started showing up. Like right now..as I am typing this. Here they are. I keep looking at the time on the computer, counting the hours till Jason gets home. All I want Easton to do is nap. Poor baby. We were sitting on the floor this morning.. and I was crying. I had looked at the clock and it was only 9am. That was what triggered them. He laid there looking up at me like.."oh great..here we go again." I called my mom and told her I don't think I can do this. I wanted so much to be okay. But it's obvious to me that this asshole PPD, is still hanging around my house. I filled my prescription this afternoon. I didn't even wait till I got home to take one. I was so afraid of having to feel the other awful things I felt awhile ago. I don't EVER want to feel that way again. So if taking this drug is going to keep me smiling at my baby day after sometimes boring day..then I'll take it. This dreadful thing may still have a claw or two in me, but that's all it's going to get. It can't have all of me back.
I desperately need to lose this baby weight. It's almost embarrassing to say that I gained almost 60lbs when I was pregnant with Easton. Saying that I took being pregnant as an excuse to eat is an understatement. Sooo..I am trying Nutrisystem! I started yesterday. It was a hard day for me. You have your nutrisystem meals, plus you add in dairy, protein, fruit and LOTS of vegetables. The vegetables are the hard part for me. I'm not a big veggie eater. Unless it's corn on the cob, mashed potatoes, or a salad with cheese, ranch and croutons. I went to the store and bought a bunch of salad and fruit and stuff..and started my journey. The breakfast wasn't to bad. The lunch was gross. The nutrisystem website has a bunch of forums of members and how they "doctor up" the food to make it more palatable. It has a lot of good ideas on it. Why is dieting so freaking hard for me??? I LOVE food. I love making food. I love everything about food. Which is why I am in this situation in the first place. I also HATE exercise. It makes me nauseous to think about getting on that treadmill in the bonus room. (Plus the air conditioner in there is broken, and I'm still having hot flashes all the time..which makes it almost unbearable ) My younger sister Joni, has recently become a workout queen. She started doing these workout video's and looks amazing! She is always willing to flex her arms and show you her new muscle definition, if you want to see it. :-) She keeps telling me "muscle burns fat...lift weights!" Ugh. I don't even own any weights. I don't know why doing something just for 30 min a day sounds so impossible to me. You would think as much as I dislike my body right now, that I would be all over some exercise. It's just me. My husband gained some weight with me during the pregnancy. Of course he's already lost it. All he did was stop eating Taco Bell a couple times a week. ARGH!! Oh, and I don't even own a scale. I guess I need to buy one to be able to chronicle this exciting journey. I have 38 lbs to lose to get to where I was when I got pregnant. Here we go...
Easton has his first cold. It has turned our world upside down! I knew from other mom's that being sick throws everything off for your baby. Boy, are they right. I had just succeeded in getting Easton on a decent nap "schedule" and now that he's sick, it doesn't exist anymore. He just can't grasp that it's possible to sleep when you have a river of snot running out of your nose. Which I try to suction out with that bulb thing (along with using some saline drops) and he HATES it. I did it for the first time on Sunday and he screamed bloody murder after the second nostril. I just thought it freaked him out. So I went back to his room to give him his bottle and try and get him to sleep. It actually worked, he went to sleep. I was rocking him after he had finished and looked at his little nose. There was a ring of blood on the inside of one of the nostrils!! That's why he screamed! I had bloodied his nose! I felt horrible. That's when I went and got some saline drops to try and not do that again. But you know what he doesn't freak out about that I have done a million times the past few days? Stick a thermometer in his butt. Yup, my son would rather have a thermometer in his crack, than snot sucked out of his nose so he can breathe. He just lays there, chewing his toes, grinning at me. (which by the way, I have learned, makes him poop. Note to self..always have wipes handy when checking his temp) Weird...and a bit disturbing. He has also reverted back to being up ALL the time at night. The first night he was sick, I sat up in the rocking chair all night holding him. He just couldn't sleep laying flat. It was exhausting. I had made a resolution to get my chubby behind on the treadmill everyday, and now I am so tired I can't even walk to the bonus room and get on it. Actually, I'm more exhausted just sitting here writing about getting on the treadmill. My sister told me that you don't have to work out on "sick days". So after two days of my resolution, I am taking a break. Ha. When I can get him back to napping during the day, I will get back on the horse, er, treadmill. Okay, something amazing just happened. I had laid him down about 15 minutes ago to see if he would go to sleep..and he did. Flat on his back!!!! He has NEVER been able to sleep on his back! He must be extremely tired to have fallen asleep, on his own, on his back. Wow. Maybe this is a good sign. Well, I should take advantage of this nap, who knows how long it will last. I need a shower and a good tooth brushing. I don't think I even brushed my teeth yesterday..I am so gross.
I new when I got pregnant I would gain weight. I've struggled my whole life with my weight. I'm just having such a hard time losing it! I've had my thyroid checked, it's normal. I'm still having some hormone issues I think. Can that keep you from losing the extra weight? It's really got me down lately. I'm just wondering how long it took you mom's to lose the weight after having your babies. How do you keep from getting depressed about it?