A 1st timer's journey through pregnancy, motherhood and overcoming postpartum depression...
Thursday, July 29, 2010
I've been curious lately as to how I would react off of antidepressants. I am on Pristiq, which is the fourth one I've tried. It seemed to be going good...but I was thinking that maybe it was me that was good. You know..that I was good..not just the Pristiq. There were a couple of reasons why I decided to try weaning off of Pristiq. I'm not going to list them because I don't want any one's opinion on why they aren't good enough reasons. The first week I was okay. Not much change. So I thought it was going to be easy! "see, you are better!", I was telling myself. Then this past weekend I started having some old familiar feelings that came sneaking up on me. When I was in the midst of PPD/PPA, I used to have a hard time dealing with being at home alone with Easton all day, everyday. It would physically make me sick. "what am I going to do all day with him??" "there are so many hours and not enough naps till Jason gets home" " I am so lonely.." Well, those thoughts were back in my head. All too familiar, and terrifying. Then the 'tears for no reason' started showing up. Like right now..as I am typing this. Here they are. I keep looking at the time on the computer, counting the hours till Jason gets home. All I want Easton to do is nap. Poor baby. We were sitting on the floor this morning.. and I was crying. I had looked at the clock and it was only 9am. That was what triggered them. He laid there looking up at me like.."oh great..here we go again." I called my mom and told her I don't think I can do this. I wanted so much to be okay. But it's obvious to me that this asshole PPD, is still hanging around my house. I filled my prescription this afternoon. I didn't even wait till I got home to take one. I was so afraid of having to feel the other awful things I felt awhile ago. I don't EVER want to feel that way again. So if taking this drug is going to keep me smiling at my baby day after sometimes boring day..then I'll take it. This dreadful thing may still have a claw or two in me, but that's all it's going to get. It can't have all of me back.