Thursday, July 29, 2010

Silly me

I've been curious lately as to how I would react off of antidepressants. I am on Pristiq, which is the fourth one I've tried. It seemed to be going good...but I was thinking that maybe it was me that was good. You know..that I was good..not just the Pristiq. There were a couple of reasons why I decided to try weaning off of Pristiq. I'm not going to list them because I don't want any one's opinion on why they aren't good enough reasons. The first week I was okay. Not much change. So I thought it was going to be easy! "see, you are better!", I was telling myself. Then this past weekend I started having some old familiar feelings that came sneaking up on me. When I was in the midst of PPD/PPA, I used to have a hard time dealing with being at home alone with Easton all day, everyday. It would physically make me sick. "what am I going to do all day with him??" "there are so many hours and not enough naps till Jason gets home" " I am so lonely.." Well, those thoughts were back in my head. All too familiar, and terrifying. Then the 'tears for no reason' started showing up. Like right I am typing this. Here they are. I keep looking at the time on the computer, counting the hours till Jason gets home. All I want Easton to do is nap. Poor baby. We were sitting on the floor this morning.. and I was crying. I had looked at the clock and it was only 9am. That was what triggered them. He laid there looking up at me like.."oh we go again." I called my mom and told her I don't think I can do this. I wanted so much to be okay. But it's obvious to me that this asshole PPD, is still hanging around my house. I filled my prescription this afternoon. I didn't even wait till I got home to take one. I was so afraid of having to feel the other awful things I felt awhile ago. I don't EVER want to feel that way again. So if taking this drug is going to keep me smiling at my baby day after sometimes boring day..then I'll take it. This dreadful thing may still have a claw or two in me, but that's all it's going to get. It can't have all of me back.


  1. Oh, honey. I so can relate. I was so sad when I tried to wean off my anti-depressants and quickly realized I couldn't--at least not yet. But I am so impressed at how quickly you realized what was going on and proactively got back on your meds. That shows so much self-awareness. Sending you hugs and hopes that you let yourself feel proud for how far you've come and for your abiity to so quickly act to take care of yourself and your baby!

  2. Don't beat yourself up about this. Taking meds is not the end of the world. You have to do what keeps you healthy and able to love on your little babe! I know you don't want/need advice but it helped me to know that the typical time on an AD is one year in order to fully heal. I've been on mine for almost 14 months. No shame in it. Hang in there momma!

  3. Big giant hugs Julie,

    This is something not to beat yourself up over. It really isn't. The fact that you ARE FEEING BETTER is an excellent thing even if you have to feel better by taking meds.

    This isn't a sign of your weakness or something you should be ashamed of. This doesn't mean that PPD is winning cause it's not. Weaning can cause some rebound effects too...maybe weaning should go a tad slower until the medicaiton in your system levels off some? I know you didn't want to hear advice...

    Hugs Momma
    PS. If it makes you feel any better, I'm on 4 meds...EEEKS!