A 1st timer's journey through pregnancy, motherhood and overcoming postpartum depression...
Sunday, May 23, 2010
I have been frustrated lately. We have yet to find a reason why Easton won't eat more than 2-3 oz at a time. He's still wanting a bottle every two hours, night and day. I am exhausted. Mentally, physically and emotionally. I don't want to hear about another person's baby is sleeping through the night. I don't want to hear how your baby is taking 6 oz bottles at 4 months. I just want MINE to do it. When is this going to end?? Easton has also started to be a turd. By that I mean he's fighting his sleep. It can take up to an hour for him to lay down. Yesterday he only took one, one hour nap. On top of all of his issues, I'm dealing with HUGE self esteem issues. I have always disliked the way I look, which has led to about a million crash diets. Gaining 20, losing 20. The story of my chubby life. Well, when you gain almost 60 lbs while you're pregnant..it doesn't help anything. I know it was my fault. I ate a few to many dinners of mac and cheese. I wasn't thinking about still being in maternity pants 4 months postpartum. I feel hideous. My hormones still have to be out of whack. I have horrible hot flashes, mood swings, zits everywhere. (on my legs???? Who has that??) I can't stand to look in the mirror and I know it's not helping my depression. I went to the dr to have my hormone levels and thyroid checked. I will find out what's going on tomorrow. I am so paranoid that I will go into the office and the Dr. will sit down and say.."well, everything came back normal! Turns out you're just fat and crazy!" That would SO be my luck. He told me at my appointment when I had my blood drawn that according to the weight chart, that I am obese. Great. Faaan-tastic!! He really knows how to make a depressed girl's day! He also took me off Zoloft, which I think was really helping me, because he said I couldn't lose weight on that. He put me on Cymbalta, which I think is not helping me at all. So needless to say I am struggling. I want my baby to eat and sleep normally. I want to put on a pair of non-maternity pants and not want to cry. I want a full nights sleep. I want to sleep in a bed with my husband again. I want my life back.