Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Wondering when I can post this....

I have been wondering for awhile now when I can put this on my blog and be sure that it's true. I suppose I survived the worst of it, but I don't know if it's completely gone from my life. Or is it ever completely gone? I wonder if having a baby that has problems keeps it from going away. Easton is still having some significant feeding issues that we can't get under control. Just when I think he's going to have a good day...he refuses his bottle again. I hate feeding time. Whenever it is..which I don't really know throughout the day because this child can't be on any type of schedule. It makes me feel like I am stuck in this house. When is he going to eat next? When is he going to want to sleep? Is he going to wake up 30 minutes after I put him down and want to eat? And if he wants to eat, will he? These are the questions I deal with every day. I've tried every bottle out there, every nipple, and now every formula. He's been on two different medicines twice a day, since he was about 3 weeks old. No improvement. Is he just picky? Who knows. I finally found a pediatrician that I like who is just not telling me, "it's colic, he'll grow out of it." We switched him to soy with cereal on Friday after his appointment like the dr said, and nothing...still no improvement. The next step is to take him to a gastrointerologist?(spelling) to see if he has some more serious issue. Why can't the new formula just work??? I am up with him every hour and a half to two hours every night. Do you realize how exhausting that is? And depressing? Those are the longest most lonely nights ever. I pray for daylight.
So is this what's keeping me from feeling better? I have good days..don't get me wrong. But it seems when he is at his worst, so am I. I have been having some terrible guilt lately thinking that maybe if I would've breast fed he wouldn't be having these problems. He is 13 weeks old and I can count on two hands the number of 4 oz bottles he has taken. That's not normal!! I want normal..I need normal. I know that not all babies are perfect all the time, but I need mine to at least be some kind of normal. I have started telling people that he's doing good just because I am tired of telling them how bad he's doing. I'm tired of trying to explain what's wrong with him..cause I don't really know. This makes it so hard to look forward to each day. I still dread the nighttime like when he was younger and I was in the midst of the worst of my postpartum depression. I don't blame him. I know that even if he was a "perfect baby" I would've still got postpartum depression/anxiety. I just need a light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that one of these days it will all be okay, and I'm having a hard time being optimistic right now. I just want him to be able to eat, ya know? I feel so bad for the little guy. I know it's just as hard on him as it is on us. I've started to be more weepy lately like before. I cried during almost all his bottles yesterday. When his tears start, so do mine. I just keep asking myself "why our baby?" I have friends that have had babies around the same time as I had Easton and I don't even want to talk to them about their babies. I haven't answered phone calls from the mommies just cause I don't want to hear how much theirs are sleeping, and how well they eat. Wow..this is a depressing post huh? Thanks to anyone that actually sat and read the whole thing. Even if nobody does read the whole thing, I needed to write it down. This to shall pass, right? I sure hope so. Sooner rather than later. So I am still waiting for the day when I can put that little label on my blog and mean it.


  1. Just said a prayer for you Julie! I know you can do this!

  2. Well, if it's allergies he still would have had them with breast feeding. So you're going to the gastro doc? Isn't the magic age 4 months? That's when it should all get better, right? It's right around the corner.

  3. I thought the magic age was 3 months. Shoot.

  4. You're feelings are normal when dealing with these kinds of problems and lack of sleep. You're right, it will pass. Hang in there.

  5. Oh, so very very sorry. This sounds SO hard! Of course you're depressed. Early mommyhood is hard anyway with all the sleep-deprivation and having your life utterly uprooted and changed, and to have all of this stress too...wow. So glad you're writing this out. Know that you're not alone. This will pass. You will have more and more good days. Thinking of you and praying for you.

  6. Julie...

    When I read your post (and I am so sorry that I did not read it sooner) every.single.word could have came out of my mouth.

    My son had colic for the first 3 months and it was hell. To have a baby that isn't "easy" is so emotionally taxing even to a mother without PPD...only we, you have it so it only makes things 100 times worse. Are you getting support at home? Are you getting time for you? It is so important to have a break. SO SO SO IMPORTANT. My psychiatrist made me have a break every day for at least 30 minutes OUT of my home and away from chaos. Have you tried something like that?

    None of this is your fault. Ok?! This isn't your fault. You are going through something so stressful and you are doing the best you can. You deserve that warrior momma badge because you are fighting and surviving every.single.day. Be proud of yourself for that. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel. I can promise you that without a doubt.

    I wish that I could help you more. I know how you feel. I am sending you some big hugs and prayers. You're going to make it through this. You can do this.

    Kimberly (if you need to talk to someone, I am always, ALWAYS here. I am so sorry that I didn't read your post sooner.)

  7. I know this feeling. I know all about these doubts and questions. You are not alone. You will be well! The road is different for each of us. But you will get there. Hugs.