Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Me and PPD these days

I have done a lot of thinking lately about how far I've come since 2 weeks after Easton was born. I have to do this often when I start feeling blue. It helps me to know the "blue" won't last. I still have this weird feeling that the antidepressant is a "band-aid", just covering up something dark that's lurking inside me. But I am nowhere near as paralyzed with fear, sadness, emptiness and loneliness everyday. I was giving Easton a bottle this morning before his nap and we went through the same routine we have since he was born. I put a cloth diaper against my chest, he lays his head on it and I drape the top part of it over his eyes, and he drinks. I sat, humming Jesus Loves Me and watching him. Then it hit me. I remembered why I started draping the diaper over his eyes when I fed him to sleep. So he couldn't watch me cry. In those early days if I wasn't crying because I was so destitute I could die sitting right there, I was crying because he wouldn't eat and I was so destitute I could sit there and die. He would watch me. He would watch me with those big blue eyes and it killed me. I just knew he could tell I didn't want to be there with him. I just knew he could see my tears and he knew they meant I was beyond miserable holding him. So I started covering his eyes. It actually helped him go to sleep. Now he does it out of pure comfort. The minute I drape that diaper over his eyes, they shut and he is at peace. Amazing how something that I did out of anquish for so long, has turned into something that makes him feel cozy and safe. That's how I know I've made progress. I don't do it to hide from him, I do it because he loves it. Am I completely out of the woods? No. I can't say that yet. But there is light around me now most of the time, where there only used to be darkness. I read the words of other mom's struggling with this disease and it is so familiar to me that it actually physically hurts. I hurt for these women. I want to be able to sit right in front of the ones that are in the midst of the worst and just hug them. If I can say that it will get better, then trust me, it will get better.


  1. Julie, you rock. I am so glad that things are getting better for you. I really am. I think I need to use your advice and think back to how far I've's amazing how deep you can get in this PPD mess and actually come out of it.
    Thank you for reminding me....
    Big Hugs,

  2. You are so welcome Kim. It's easy to let some bad days get us down...but I just tell myself that I'm having way more good days than bad now. Hope you are feeling better..

  3. I'm glad to hear you're feeling more light than darkness. I've been praying for you! You're doing a great job with Easton and his "sleep training" too. Keep it up, you can do it!

  4. Thanks for your comments. We totally do have a lot in common! I'm excited to be a new follower! It's great finding women who can relate.